For the girls who never felt contented.

Hi. I’m starting this week with my daily dose of “you’re not good enough” monologue. Yes, I never and will never feel contented.. Well, at least for the time being. I know it’s a bit cliche, but I just feel so fucking ugly. When I look across my reflection in the mirror, all I can think of are words of insult, humiliation and hate. Why can’t I be this, why can’t I be that, why is my nose too big, why is my chest too small, why am I so fat, why why why?! I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone, most especially for myself. I have to constantly try new things like do diets, work outs, drink gallons of water and the like just to please myself but nothing really becomes a habit.. It’s just so sad that no one really loves and appreciates me, not even myself. I have to constantly endure all the insults I get. From my sister, my sister, my sister, my mom, my blockmate who calls me siopao and even said that pimples look good on me. Sometimes I just act like I don’t care, but deep down I do. I get hurt because I realize that I really am what they call me. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. I keep on asking myself why am I like this.. UGLY. Nope, not just ugly.. Fucking ugly. To think that I view myself as a sophisticated and high woman outside the walls of my own self confidence, but once I’m already face to face with a mirror, I completely change and unleash a different part of me. A part that criticises every part of my body, a part that thinks that she’s a complete mess, a part that wants everything to be done by a plastic surgeon, a part that just want to be happy and contented, but she really can’t. Fuck, no? I know it’s a bit dramatic but it’s true when they say that “Society killed the teenager”. To be honest, no one’s really good enough for everybody. Someone’s going to be too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too small, too large, too this, too that. It’s really up to ourselves to love who we are, but I’m way too far from loving what I am. This is why people shouldn’t read my blog. I’m too pessimistic. YES, FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF IS JUST AS IMPOSSIBLE AS HAVING SNOW IN THE PHILIPPINESF, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD FOLLOW MY FOOTSTEPS. As much as possible, don’t let your self consciousness consume your whole being like what it did to mine. Save yourself while you can. Leave at least 20% of love for yourself, because that’s what I failed to do. I gave it all away and was left with nothing..

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Fill me up with a battery pack.

Words can’t describe the exhaustion I’m feeling right now. 7 straight days of going to school, of waking up early, of waiting for hours of travel, of unending walks to and from, of thinking, of everything. This week has been a lot worse than expected. To think that it’s only the 2nd week of school.. I can’t imagine the rest of the months to come, most especially the years. Hearing everyone say that Physical Therapy is the most difficult course in the university, the number of students who eventually shifts, the unending days of studying and making requirements. I’m gradually losing hope. I think that I’m slowly draining, just like every other battery in the world. I can’t explain the feeling because I’ve never been this worn out in my whole existence.

Blogging the II

Just to inform everyone (well I bet no one knows that I have this blog anw), my title for this entry is called: Blogging the II (second). It just looks like two capital letter I’s or a number 11 perhaps. 

Hello! It’s my second blog, and the second day of my period! That is the explanation for the title. This day has been an odd mix of opposite emotions all over. Do you know the saying that if you’re too happy, you’re bound to be irritated or sad at the end of the day? Well, that’s what I’m feeling right at this very moment.

My day started off by hanging out in the “underground” library, alone. Figuring out some Algebra problems with my blockmates and eventually led to an orientation at the Library Lobby. It was too fucking cold in my place, and in that moment I swear I was thanking the Lord for urging me to wear long sleeves this day. General Psychology was up next in our room in the Gusaling Corazon Aquino. As we were headed to the building, I was constantly searching for someone. Someone who shall be named Captain Jujubels. Honestly speaking, I’m quite unsure of having feelings with such a person. I met him through a common friend, and I think that he has some of those physical qualities I look for in a guy. A fair complexion, chinky eyes, has a sense of style, a scholar, and of course a bit handsome. But the thing is, he’s famous for being a player. I know that my priority right now is studying, but being a teenager, hormones make it such a difficult task to just focus on purely academics. Sometimes, being a teenager is the most difficult job to do. Annoyingly difficult. So there, let’s move on to how the rest of my day went. Psychology was fun, and Algebra was much more entertaining because our quiz was postponed due to the fire drill and some other festivities our professor had to attend to. That 30 minutes of free cut was a chaotic mess. I was at the back of the classroom, goofing around with my good friend named Jhat, when the fire alarm started to ring. Yes, it’s the start of the fire drill. We were shouting things like “Shit, we’re on fire! Hurry hurry! We might get burned to death!”. That was too epic for my life. After the boring lecture on how we should take drills seriously, we went on to think of what we should do for the General Assembly tomorrow. DAMN THAT UP PEP SQUAD. THAT WAS HELLA FUNNY!!!! My friend, Karen a.k.a. Macaraeg, suggested to do something similar to what the UP Pep Squad usually do.. I recommended her to do it by herself and lift at her own expense. Hahahahahaha too funny. Went to the Secret Garden that wasn’t really a secret anymore. Took some photographs and just messed around until this bitch decided to act as the leader and shouts out things like “We haven’t even decided what song to sing because everybody has their own world”. Well, of course we were one of those people she was pertaining to. AND THAT WAS JUST IT. TANGINA, HOW DARE HER. I WAS NEAR THE BOILING POINT, but I just controlled myself and decided to let it go. BUT NO, IT DIDN’T FUCKING ENDED THERE. I had to excuse myself from the group since I have to go home already. Decided to ask permission from our president, AND THEN THAT BOSSY BITCH THAT’S ACTING LIKE THE PERSON WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING DECIDES TO TELL ME THAT I CAN GO. HAHAHAHAHA WHO THE FUCK. WHO THE FUCK GAVE HER THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME GO?!?!?!?! PUTANG INA. OK CALM.. This just took it to the next level. Who would want to listen to a bitch who decided to cut her hair just because she was bored?! Tell me, huh? HAHAHAHA Okay I’m done for the day now. I know the ending of this blog sucks, haha. Tell me about it. But, what the hell. 

First, but hopefully not the last.

Hi there people of the WordPress world!! 

I am here to give blogging a shot. I know I’ve tried fashion blogging (and it really didn’t work out for me) or just photo blogging (didn’t really had that sense of fulfilment neither) before, but I guess that was just because I was in a quest to impress or just to kill time by doing something that I thought was an interesting task to do. Turns out it was just a complete waste of my time and effort. Plus the fact that no one was really appreciating what I was doing (well, at least that’s what I know) and it was just all a front? I guess I never really expressed myself in that kind of blog. I was always trying to impress people and imitate fashion bloggers (which will never happen, well not in right now tho). This time, I’m going to give it a second shot. A time to redeem myself. A time to just to let off steam or express thoughts that never really came out of my mouth.  A time to be me..