Alive and kicking

Hello to my non-existing readers. I’m back! Thankfully alive and still kicking. The past few weeks have been such a stressful, frustrating, tough, draining, traumatic period of my whole entire existence, okay! Thank God the my loads were somehow lightened because I’ve already finished doing 3 reports! Wohoo!!!

To start off this novel, I would like to say how stressed I was today. First, I have to present a fucking report that I had no idea how to deliver into understandable words. It was too complex for me to expound it to our classmates, because I am not a fucking eye doctor okay. It’s just sad that professors in college are usually too lazy to teach their students because they insist that we report on their behalf. How fucked up is that..  The second most annoying thing in the world, after being heartbroken over a stupid guy is, the fact that you have a fucking algebra test together with a fucking report that I do not fucking understand. How am I supposed to manage my time in making these requirements if all of them are so fucking hard to do, right? Fuck that. Plus another thing that happened today was totally, undeniably awkward. I’ll post here the novel that I made earlier that was sent to a trusty blockmate of mine. #Mcdo

“ALAM MO BA KANINA MCDO. NAGCOMMUTE AKO PAPUNTANG SCHOOL. ACTUALLY IRITANG IRITA PA NGA AKO NON KASI GUSTO KO PUMUNTA NG MAAGA SA SCHOOL PARA AYUSIN YUNG REPORTS KO AT MAG-ARAL NG ALGEB EH, TAPOS IPAPAGCOMMUTE AKO. YUN, SUMAKAY AKO NG BUS. TAPOS UMUPO AKO SA 3 SEATER NA UPUAN. EH MAY MAMANG MUKHANG KARPINTERO NA MUKHA NAMAN MABAIT NA NAKAUPO. SO TUMABI AKO SA KANYA. AFTER NON MGA ILANG MINUTES.. YUNG LALAKI GALING SA PINAKALIKOD NA ROW NG CHAIRS EH TUMABI SAKIN. NAKITA KO NA SIYA NUNG NAGHAHANAP AKO NG UPUAN EH KASI NAPANSIN KONG MEDYO MAY ITSURA. TAPOS NUNG TUMABI SIYA EDI AWKWARD KASI PARANG BAKIT GANON, BAKIT PA SIYA LUMIPAT EH ANG SAYA SAYA NIYANG NAKAUPO SA LIKOD. MALUWAG PA TAPOS MAKIKISIKSIK SIYA SAMIN NI MANONG KARPINTERO. DIBA DI KO GETS LOGIC NIYA….. TAPOS ETO PA. KASI DIBA MAY TIMES NA NAKIKITA MO GAMIT PERIPHERAL VISION YUNG MGA NASA PALIGID. EH NAKITA KO SIYA NA TUMITINGIN SAKIN. DI AKO NAG-AASSUME. TOTOO TO. I SAW IT USING MY PERIPHERAL VISION OK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! KAYA SOBRANG AWKWARD TALAGA. PERO DI KO NALANG PINAPANSIN KASI PARANG NAISIP KO BAKA NAMAN MAY MUTA PA KO HAHAHAHA. SO YUN. NUNG NASA BACLARAN NA KAMI, BUMABA NA SI KUYA MANONG KARPINTERO. SO KAMING DALAWA NA LANG YUNG NATIRA DUN SA SEATS NA YUN. TAPOS MAY MGA UNIDENTIFIED OBJECTS NA SUMAKAY AT NAG-ANNOUNCE NA KAILANGAN DAW NILA NG ONTING TULONG MGA GANON. EH NAGTEXT SI MACARAEG NUNG TIME NA YUN. SO CHINECK KO AT MAGREREPLY NA SANA AKO. BIGLA AKONG KINAUSAP NI KUYA NA KATABI KO. SABI NIYA ITAGO KO DAW KASI BAKA MAMAYA GILITAN AKO NG LEEG AT KUNIN YUNG PHONE KO. (JOKE LANG YUNG SA LEEG) HAHAHA TAPOS YUN. NATAWA AKO KASI SOBRANG CLUELESS KO LANG. TAPOS SABI KO NALANG, SORRY. HAHAHAHA TAPOS YUN. KINAUSAP AKO. TINANONG NIYA KUNG ANO NAME KO GANON. TAPOS NAGSHAKE HANDS PA KAMI. OH DIBA ANG TARAY NI KUYA. NALAMAN KO RIN NA NAGWOWORK NA RIN PALA SIYA. GULAT AKO KASI MUKHA SIYANG COLLEGE! ANW YUN. TAPOS KINUHA NIYA NUMBER KO, MCDO. KINUHA NIYA :(((( DI KO ALAM NA MAY MGA GANON PALA TALAGANG MGA LALAKI SA MUNDO. OK. NAGULAT AKO. SO WALA AKONG NAGAWA. OO NALANG KASI TINULUNGAN NIYA KO DUN SA PARANG CELLPHONE THINGY. TAPOS YUN. DAPAT NGA FAKE NUMBER IBIBIGAY KO, KASO NGA LANG MAUTAK SIYA EH. GINAWA NIYA, BINIGAY NIYA NUMBER NIYA SAKIN TAPOS SABI NIYA ITEXT KO DAW HABANG NAKASAKAY SIYA NG BUS. MAUTAK… AYUN. GAHHHHHH.”

“ALAM MO BANG SIYA YUNG TUMAWAG NUNG NAGREREPORT KAMI SA PSYCHOLOGY. ALAM MO BA YUN MCDO. SOBRANG NAKAKAHIYA TAPOS SIYA LANG PALA YUNG TUMAWAG. TAPOS SOBRANG KULIT NIYA LANG TALAGA. NAKA 6 ATA SIYANG MISSED CALLS. TAPOS TINETEXT NIYA KO KUNG DISMISSAL KO NA. KUNG MAGCOCOMMUTE DAW BA KO PAUWI GANON. TAPOS RAMDAM KO NA PARANG GUSTO NIYANG SABAY KAMI PAUWI. GINAWA KO NALANG, DI AKO NAGREPLY SA KANYA HAHAHA TAPOS NUNG NASA BUS NA KO, TSAKA AKO NAGREPLY. TAPOS YUN. NUNG NASA BAHAY NA KO, NAGTEXT SIYA KUNG PWEDE DAW BA NIYA KO TAWAGAN. GUSTO DAW NIYA MARINIG BOSES KO BAGO MATULOG. TAPOS PARANG AKO. YUNG TOTOO, KUYA. KANINA LANG TAYO NAGKAKILALA TAPOS GANON AGAD. #MEDYOTANGA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA”

“TAPOS NUNG MAGKAUSAP KAMI SA PHONE PARANG SINASABI NIYA NA ANG GANDA KO DAW. TAPOS SABI KO. HAHAHAHA YUNG TOTOO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TAWANG TAWA AKO SA KANYA MUKHANG TANGA LANG. TAPOS SABI NIYA NAKAKAKALMA YUNG BOSES KO. HAHAHAHAHA WOW TAWA PA TAYO GUYS. =)))))) TAPOS ETO PA. TINATANONG NIYA KUNG PWEDE DAW BA AKO MAGBOYFRIEND GANON. TAPOS NIYAYAYA NIYA KONG MAGHANG OUT OR MANOOD NG MOVIE OR KUMAIN. PARANG OMG ANO BA MEDYO KANINA LANG TAYO NAGKAKILALA OK. TAPOS SINASABI PA NIYA NA I CARE FOR YOU. GANON GANON HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BAKIT SIYA GANON. ANG FUNNY NIYA NO.”

I honestly don’t know how to put it into clear and precise words, but I think I like this guy. Maybe a part of it is because I was too overwhelmed with what he did, causing me to like him. I know it’s a little bit weird because it’s the first time I saw and knew this guy, yet I keep on making up excuses that allows myself to continue on talking to him. There’s a gut in me that says that Chris isn’t so bad. In fact, I can feel it in my atoms that he is really a good guy! A frank and honest guy, to be exact. Hearing words coming from a stranger that “”I’m pretty””, “”My voice calms him down””, “”He can wait”” and shit like that. It’s such a great feeling intertwined with that super awkward and creepy feeling. I didn’t know that it was this weird and creepy.. I thought asking for girls’ numbers just happen in foreign countries or even in movies. Guess I was wrong. But I still don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me. It’s like I’m playing games with myself. It’s hard to confront your own feelings when you don’t want to. WHY AM I SUCH A COMPLICATED PERSON. HUHUHU this is all fucked up.

I honestly want to try and see how things will work out, but I’m scared okay. Not only because of the fact that he’s a stranger, but also the fact that:

A. He’s 7 years older than me

B. He was born and raised from the province of Batangas

C. I’m scared of what people might think of me (since I gave my number to a complete stranger)

D. I’m scared of what people might say about him (e.g., probinsyano, too old for me, poor (?))

F. HE WORE A PAIR OF SLIPPERS WHEN HE WENT OUT OF THE HOUSE

G. HE TEXTS LIKE A COMPLETE BADUY PERSON

H. I know this is entirely wrong, but I still want(?), no not want. I still keep on talking to him.

I. There’s a possibility that I entertain him to just say that there is someone out there that cares.

J. Pushing him away means having no suitors at all.

There are still lot more reasons why I don’t or shouldn’t text or answer his phone calls, but I don’t know why can’t. As what I always say, maybe this is another phase of life. Well, I know that it’s only a phase because I’ve definitely been there since I was little, and it was painful to hate myself every single day and repeat again and again.The constant mantra insulting and pushing myself by the means of  the sayings “No, that you’re no good. You’re not good enough for anything.”

Done.

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They don’t understand.

Can I just say that I hate school. I hate it so much that every period, I always scream out “I want to go home!!” to my classmate. I know it’s a little bit overdramatic, but you guys don’t understand the stress and pressure that I am feeling right now. I feel so drained. Most especially last week!!!! I feel like I was completely losing my mind because of the workloads I’ve got. Everybody’s telling me to just chill and not stress myself, but they don’t fucking understand okay?! They don’t understand what it’s like to be situated it that school. It’s not just any kind of university like La Salle or Benilde. It’s that kind of school wherein you have to work your butt off. Do things I’ve never really done before, like managing my time since I am swamped with shits I can’t handle, studying for a quiz the night before we take it (yes, I study just hours before the quiz), planning to do advanced readings in some subjects, and even staying up late just to finish my homework in Algebra. All of these are new to me, yes. It’s because that I’m such a lazy ass when I was in High school, but that’s not entirely it. IT IS BECAUSE OUR SCHOOL HAS SUCH A HIGH STANDARD, OK. So people, don’t try to advice me to chill and don’t stress myself out BECAUSE I NEED TO FUCKING MAINTAIN MY GENERAL WEIGHTED AVERAGE IN A RANGE BETWEEN 83-85 OKAY. This freaks the hell out of me because I’m scared I might not pass. I’m scared that I might get kicked out of PLM just because I didn’t make it to the required GWA. I just feel so depressed lately because all I’ve been up to is just planning how to survive PLM. It’s so sad because I honestly don’t know how or what makes me genuinely happy anymore. I feel like I’m forced to stay this sad. This depressed, wherein I can’t do anything about it anymore. Somebody help me!!!!!! <////////3